Jersey Shore Massacre Review


If you’ve ever had a secret dark fantasy about killing off the Jersey Shore cast or even for a moment just wish something dark would instantaneously happen to one of the members, well look no further. Its not the real Jersey Shore cast but its the next best thing. Welcome to the Jersey Shore Massacre.

When Teresa and the girls leave their suburban New Jersey salon for a weekend of sun and sin down the shore, they are blindsided by a bizarre twist of events that catapult them from the sands of Seaside Heights to a secluded house deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Frightened by stories of the legendary Jersey Devil, the local population of Pineys and a giant dim-witted neighbor, the girls eagerly return to Seaside Heights where they hook-up with five fist-pumping delinquents who incessantly disrespect all with their reprehensible behavior. As day turns to night, the group converges at a Seaside bar where they are soon ejected for inciting a dance-floor brawl. With nowhere else to go, the group retreats to the house in the Pine Barrens for a night of carnal delights. Blinded by their selfish pursuits, the group remains unaware that their long outstanding debt to humanity is about to be settled – with their lives. One by one, the body count soars as retribution is exacted at the hands of a mentally-deranged killer with much more than just an axe to grind.  

For a low budget independent horror film, the movie is shot with incredible professionalism, the cinematography is superb to watch for an Independent film and really adds to the value of the viewing experience. Literally 2 minutes into the film we see gore and our first pair of breasts, so we have a good feeling that we know what the film is going to involve. As per the trailer the movie looks like a T&A style horror with a Jersey twist, so let’s get down to it !


Well its safe to say the character introduction is to be expected from a Jersey Shore girl, loud, mouthy, WAY too much makeup but in a strange way rather attractive. But their constantly sorority girl conversation already makes me wish the Jersey Shore killer would turn up and put me out of my misery but I guess I just have to suffer these girls for much longer. Does anyone have any earplugs?

From the time I’m trying to ignore every word coming out of these girls mouth’s I’m paying attention to all the other little details, the pan shots, the angles, the amazing locations, if you watched this film on mute it would be incredibly beautiful to watch. Hats off to the location managers and the team for picking such wonderful places to shoot, the cabin is truely beautiful and has a hint of Jersey Shore tack to it but never the less everything is well structured and the viewing experience is extremely pleasant.

Like the nature of the film, common sense has been thrown out of the window, which is instantly pointed out to me when these girls go hiking through a dark forest on a ghost tour in nothing but their bikini’s and tight ass revealing dresses, now I’m not complaining from a viewers perspective but it just seems a little silly, then again so far the motive of the film seems a little silly, its never taking itself too seriously but with a slow start and not much action as of yet I’m just waiting for shit to go down !


Danielle Dallacco for me puts in a stand out performance, she’s convincing, almost level headed, so incredibly beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off the screen and she puts in a wonderful display throughout the movie.

Club scenes, cameo’s from Ron Jeremy and Shawn C Phillips add to the crazyness of the film and when the film heats up, it REALLY heats up ! Jersey_Shore_02

The gang head back to the cabin and then the fun really starts, it has taken 50 minutes of build up so now its time for shit to go down. An amazing shower scene taken straight out of psycho and a tanning machine scene taken straight out of Final Destination, it may be repeated scenes taken from other films but at least people are now getting killed and two of the most annoying characters went first. Hell yeah !

Chris Lazzaro and the gang are hilarious and the end of the film works out exactly like a teen horror slasher should. This movie is fun to watch, if you look too much into it you won’t like it, so approach it with an open mind, kick back and have some fun. It’s a treat to watch that’s for sure !

It won’t be the best film you’ll see this year, but it certainty won’t be the worst !

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