If you’ve ever lived with a friend, rented out your spare room or suffered living with your parents into your twenties, then you’ll be aware that there are many every day occurrences that can cause friction between you and your housemates. I use the term “mate” loosely here, so from hereon in I shall use the term “houseperson”.
Here’s a list of 5 Movie Characters who would be an inconvenience to live with and how we think these movie figures would cope with real life.
The Dark Knight
One of the biggest reasons for arguments in adult life is whose turn it is to do the washing up. You know it’s your turn, but you argue nonetheless to avoid having to submerge your hands and arms in luke-warm, 2-day-old-food-infested water so that you don’t have to eat your cereal out of a vase any more.
I’ve never lived with the Dark Knight, but judging by the ending of the 2008 film of the same name, I would imagine he would be nowhere to be seen come washing up time. The film revolves around The Knight himself heroically dealing with cool shit all over Gotham, until it comes to the end of the film where he vacates and we are left with a quotable, noble but somewhat “not my problem” kinda ending.
The Dark Knight would be good for keeping your neighbourhood safe in the event of large-scale terrorism, but when it comes to the washing up- he’s the hero that you deserve, but don’t need.
We’ve all seen Forrest Gump, and what a heartwarming story it is. Until it is you realise that it probably wouldn’t be quite as heartwarming when you’re living with a 40-something millionaire with little to no common sense. Yes, Forrest would be more than happy to cut your grass. But a ride-on mower for your 10-square-foot garden? That’s a little over the top.
And try having a fridge full of Dr Pepper and shrimp at all times. Decades of Dr Pepper abuse would most likely have left old innocent Forrest without many of his original teeth, and his breath is probably going to smell bad from all the decay so you’d have to deal with that. That and the fact he has a kid and you’ll have to endure Forrest telling you how smart said child is all the time and then sobbing a little. Let’s also remember that this kid is being raised by a millionaire simpleton and is probably going to be the biggest turd of a child you ever met, but at least he has well-combed hair.
Catwoman is pretty straight-forward. Have you ever had a cat? They’re great for cuddles and playing with fluffy toy mice on some string. But to leave alone for more than 5 minutes at a time? Awful, just awful.
Imagine the look on your face when you get home from a long day at work and your houseperson, Catwoman, has not only knocked all of your picture frames onto the floor, shattering them into thousands of inconvenient pieces, but also left an array of dead mice (and high-value stolen goods) next to the cat flap. Not to mention you had to fit that ridiculous human-sized cat flap in the first place.
I like to think the real reason that the Dudleys treated Harry so badly was because of his inability to break Ministry of Magic rules despite their frankly lenient policy on rulebreaking and do his spells and stuff outside of a castle that is in fact based in Northumberland, England.
I can truly understand the frustration you would have when he has the ability to cast infinitely helpful spells such as “wingardium-goodbye-carpet-stain” or “expecto-petroleum” for when you forget to fill your car up on the way home, but then refuses to because he doesn’t want to be sent to an Azkaban. Harry, you either need to start pulling your weight around here or at least let me use your wand to change channels on the TV or you and me are going to fall out. And please redirect your bank statements through our mail service, the whole owl-mail thing is getting old.
So, you put an advert out to rent your spare room to like-minded “professional” types and receive a response from Doctor Jones, professor of archaeology at a local university. “Perfect!” you think.
All is going well… he keeps very tidy and quiet, always pays his rent on time… but you begin to notice Dr Jones disappears for weeks at a time, taking with him only an old leather jacket, fedora and a whip and returning with significant scarring and many artefacts that have been presumed lost to the world for centuries. You begin to question how he actually became a doctor or a professor for that matter, as he evidently has little to no commitment to his career.
You were a little annoyed when he became angry and told you your deceased grandmother’s broach belonged in a museum, but you begin to have enough when hired goons turn up at your door, mess up the whole of your house and keep asking you where his journal is kept.
So the real life characters may be an inconvenience to live with but If you want the quieter alternative then you can’t go wrong with cardboard cutouts. They’re silent, they don’t answer back and they won’t trash your house!
Written by TW Fearns Esq.